When the Holidays are Hard
As November draws to a close we in North America get bombarded with “the holidays”. Whether this is a purely secular celebration for you or you belong to one of the many faiths that celebrate this time of year, it is a season that comes at us all and for a few weeks in December it is everywhere.
The expectations around celebrating holidays are usually ones about being happy, enthusiastic, joining with family, practicing meaningful traditions, and all that good stuff. It can be good stuff and it can also be painful stuff. Our culture typically does not like to dwell on the painful side of things, particularly during the holidays. So if holiday times bring up difficult emotions for you it becomes a double whammy of feeling down and then feeling bad for feeling down because the not so subtle message is that you are not supposed to feel that way right now.
It can be a particularly difficult time of year if someone that you love has passed away recently. If you are in this situation you know this has been a year of many “painful firsts”: missed birthdays, vacations, family gatherings, and other milestones. The holidays heighten this.
It can also be a time of dealing with more subtle loss. The first time the children won’t all be home for Christmas. The first time a grandmother is too frail to cook her special meal. Or perhaps a reminder of happier times: before a bad break up or divorce, before the cancer got worse, before the addiction really took over. The holidays often serve as a marker, a time to stop and gaze back down the calendar of your life noticing what has passed.
There can be wonderful things in looking back. Indeed that is what can be so meaningful about these types of traditions and rituals. They are a chance to take stock, to be reminded of blessings, of things overcome, of things to be grateful for. But things become problematic when there is no room for noticing and expressing the loss and sorrow that is also part of our life. And when we do not make space for these feelings we can get stuck in them. In our Western consumer driven holiday mode there is often very little space for sadness and sorrow.
If you are feeling low this holiday season, remember that you are not alone. It is difficult for many people. Here are a few ideas taken from Dr. Rick Hanson’s article “Take Heart” (http://www.rickhanson.net/take-heart/) to get you through:
1. Ride out the storm: The holidays may be difficult but they will pass and often the anticipation is worse than the actual event.
2. Stay with your feelings: You don’t have to run from negative feelings. Acknowledge them. Observing them without being flooded by them allows emotions like grief and sorrow to wash over us like a wave. And like a wave, it will recede and leave us.
3. Do something that gets you back into being you: At the most basic level this is getting enough sleep, eating 3 meals a day, and exercising. It also may look like going for a walk, meditating, praying, making a cup of tea and watching the clouds go by, calling a friend for coffee, getting lost in a good book, soaking in the tub. Take care of both your body and mind.
4. Notice the moments of joy: Joy is present even at your most profound times of sorrow. Notice and bring your attention to moments of joy and happiness even if you only catch a glimpse of them. Those moments will grow.
It is hard going against the great influence of the cheerful holiday season. But making time for sorrow and grief even during the holidays frees you up to feel the entire rainbow of human emotions (from sorrow to joy and everything in between). Allowing yourself this rich experience (even if it feels painful in the moment) will lead you to a more authentic and vibrant life.
